The Secret to Golf Length

"And when they came nigh to Jerusalem, untotheir long shafts are still blowing it out of bounds.
Bethpage Black, at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sentIn the 1990's golf club manufacturers began to make
forth two of his disciples." (Mark 11:1 K.J.V.) "Verily Ithe driver shafts 2 and 3 inches longer, 45" and 46".
say unto you, that whosoever shall have great lengthThey marketed the fact that these golf clubs hit the
on Earth shall have unheard of length in Heaven", saidball further and golfers did not care if their 300 yard
Jesus to his disciples. And so the quest for greatdrive flew two fairways over - that made the drive
length off the tee began.seem even longer. Ladies drivers went from the
Every golfer is searching for the secret to golf. Thestandard 42.5 inches used by Mary Magdalene and
secret is that there is a secret to golf, and you areKathy Whitworth to 44" and 45". As Nike Golf made
about to learn it. Everyone knows that money is themillions selling 45" drivers, Tiger Woods continued to
root of all evil. Jesus commanded everyone to sell allplay with 43" steel shafted Nike drivers, and Tiger
of their possessions and to give all of the money tocontinued to lead in driving distance and piled up
the poor. Are there any Christians on Earth today?major after major playing against Pros who had
When Jesus entered the Temple in Jerusalem heswitched to the 45" driver trying to match Tiger's
"began to cast out them that sold and bought in thedistance. Augusta National lengthened their golf
temple, and overthrew the tables of thecourse after Tiger won the Masters at 18 under. Jack
moneychangers, and the seats of them that soldNicklaus and Slammin' Sammy Snead hit the ball 300
doves, and he said, 'Is it not written, My House shallyards right down the middle using 43" steel shafts
be called of all nations the House of Prayer? But yewith persimmon tree heads. The whole time that
have made it a den of thieves.'" (Mark 11:15-17).Tiger was on his major rampage, Nike Golf refused
During the time of Christ, golfers used wooden golfto make drivers with 43" shafts available to the
balls and wooden golf clubs made from the hickorypublic.
tree. Then, in the early 1600's, the featherie golf ballBillions of dollars of advertising have gone into
was invented. The featherie golf ball was a handconvincing the public that 45" and 46" drivers are the
sewn cowhide bag stuffed with goose feathers andnext best thing to the arrival of Jesus Christ. Taylor
painted. Because it flew so beautifully, it lasted forMade and Titleist and Callaway and Nike Golf are
200 years. In 1848 Reverend Doctor Robert Adamsmaking fortunes selling these too long shafts, and the
hardened the sap of the gutta percha tree into latexPGA of America couldn't be happier. Their 32,000 golf
and invented the gutta percha golf ball, whichprofessionals are making a fortune teaching golfers
replaced the featehrie golf ball from 1850 until 1900,how to hit their too long woods and irons - a feat
when rubber took over. The rubber balls lasted untilimpossible for the average golfer, which leads to
1930. Today's balls have a titanium metal core withendless lessons and purchases of golf books and golf
many layers of surlyn and balata coverings. Golf clubmagazines filled with golf tips and videos and CD's
shafts evolved from hickory tree wood withand golf swing training accessories. Suddenly, along
persimmon tree heads to steel shafts and now tocomes Peter Kessler hawking the Perfect Club,
graphite shafts with very large titanium heads.because it goes straight, but the Perfect Driver loses
Despite the incredible advances in golf club and golfabout 75 yards in distance because get this, the
ball technology, the handicaps of male and femaleshaft is 42 ½ inches. The ½ inch decrease
golfers have not gone down, according to notedcosts the golfer a ton of yardage.
author and custom club fitter Steven Passarell. HowThe first big golf company coming out with a
could this be? Here is the answer.graphite shafted 43" driver with a titanium head, with
Famed Psychiatrist and 9 Handicap Sigmund Freudthe new Prov1x golf ball, is going to wipe out the
explained the human ego: "The human ego is the partrest of the other golf club manufacturers, and bring
of the cerebellum concerned most with feeling like athe average handicap down by 8 shots, because
great human being. In many cases of over developedthere is no loss of distance, and the ball goes dead
cerebelli, the human being begins to believe that in astraight. In the meantime men cut your shaft down
prior life, he was the Messiah Jesus Christ, orto 43" and ladies cut your shafts down to 42.5
Napoleon Bonaparte, as a defense mechanism to theinches. There will be no loss in accuracy or distance.
haranguing of over critical parents and the resultingUntil then, choke up on your driver 2'' and watch the
wounded ego." (Austrian Journal of Medicine Volumeball fly long and straight off that big sweet spot time
XXIV, page 69). Golf club and golf ball manufacturersafter time again. Shaving 8 shots off your score
have known forever that the most important thinginstantaneously should be a good thing for your ego
to the male and female golfer, the cure for an egoand your bank account. This will also speed up pace
wounded in childhood is distance off the tee.of play, David Fay. Hasn't your ego suffered enough
According to Stephen Hawking, the world's greatesthumiliation hunting for your $5 golf ball in the trees
scientist, the Earth is 5 billion years old. A mere 2,500yet? In our next installment we will discuss how your
years ago in Gehenna, just south of Jerusalem, in thegolf club manufacturers silently de-lofted all of your
valley of Gehinnom, the Jewish and non Jewishclub heads turning your 9 iron into a 7 iron to make
people of the land of Canaan used to sacrifice theiryou think that you are hitting your shaft lengthened
first born male children on fire altars to the God Baalde-lofted 9 iron farther. Didn't Jack use his towering
aka Beelzebub aka Satan. The drummers beat theirball flight to hold the greens at Augusta? The pros
drums loudly to drown out the screams of thehave their clubs custom made. You aren't using the
burning alive babies. Golf club and golf ballsame clubs they are. Only the label is the same.
manufacturers have known forever that golfersSpeaking of Jesus, the X factor golf swing has been
were perfectly willing to sacrifice accuracy and $500heralded as a way to improve your distance. It
for added distance off the tee. Their first clue wasmeans that you keep your left heel down, make a
when golfers in the long drive competition wouldtiny hip turn and a big shoulder turn to hit the ball
throw down their driver after their massive hit, andfarther. A noted former PGA tour player turned
beat their chests with both fists, like the apes withorthopedic surgeon, Bill Mallon, M.D., calls this the
which humans have 99% the same DNA.fastest way to blow out your back and wind up in
From the time of Jesus Christ until the time of Jackexcruciating life long pain, in his book, "The Golf
Nicklaus, scientists knew that the exactly perfectDoctor: How to Play a Better Healthier Round of
length for the men's driver was 43". It didn't matterGolf". Didn't Jack do OK letting his left heel come 2"
how tall you were because God gave taller playersoff the ground? The surgeon recommends letting it
longer arms. Every golf club manufacturer from thecome up even farther to save your back. Harry
time of Jesus until the time of Jack knew that if youVardon's came up about 5 inches. Jesus
made the driver shaft even 1/8 of an inch longer, therecommended three. There is no need to sacrifice
golfer would hit into the ground, and in an effort notyour back in your quest for added length off the tee.
to hit into the ground, the golfer would make swingTry a longer driver, or a new golf psychologist. The
changes and then begin to spray the ball all over theonly people not benefiting from these long shafts are
park. This is why at long driving contests the fairwaythe golfers. Everyone else, the whole golf industry, is
is the width of a football field and the golfers withlaughing all the way to the bank.